Some months ago, I spent considerable time putting together an FAQ to help the curious "get it" concerning black metal. Unfortunately, many still seem to labor under some serious illusions about the genre. Accordingly, I've put together a little list to help those folks out.

10 Signs That You're NOT Listening to Black Metal:

--The words "featuring Hellhammer of Mayhem" appear on the packaging

--A fat chick with black lipstick appears in the band photos (especially if she's being fondled by Hellhammer of Mayhem)

--The words "symphonic," "orchestral," or "mesmerizing" appear in the press release

--The album was released by Century Media, Nuclear Blast or Metal Blade

--The band features members of Marduk, Cradle of Filth, Ulver, Dark Funeral, or Dimmu Borgir

--The band is Marduk, Cradle of Filth, Ulver, Dark Funeral or Dimmu Borgir

--You're listening to an Emperor full length not named In the Nightside Eclipse

--You first heard about them in Metal Maniacs

--You bought it because it was produced by Peter Tägtgren

--You like the band because they avoid all those clichés about evil and just write about, you know, like, emotional stuff, dude.

I hope that helped you (of course, if it did actually help, I'd like you to kindly take your AIDS ridden carcass elsewhere, fag).

Keep the home ovens burning,
Falconsbane