Well hello again, and welcome to another edition of Tales From the Nut Ward, the randomly updated editorial feature where I ramble incessantly on various topics affecting the world of metal, with the occasional nod towards having fun at someone else's expense. Until someone pulls the plug on me, I'm your host, Mornelithe Falconsbane.

Issues, issues, issues, we've got 'em (that's the Royal "we," in case you were wondering). Unfortunately, serious issues generally require work to deal with, and that's something I prefer to avoid. Instead, you'll just have to bear with me this week as venture into a realm as lame and played-out as Hammerfall with my first inaugural Top Ten List.

So without further ado…

The Top Ten Stock Characters No Metal Bulletin Board Would Be Complete Without

10. The Br00t- He's lean, he's mean, he's also thirteen. This character, known for his juvenile antics and infinitesimal vocabulary (generally limited "fuckin' BRUTAL, man" and "shut up, fag") just can't get enough blastbeats. He posts only in topics on the following subjects: Disgorge, Disgorge, Devourment, splatter films, porn and "There are two Disgorges, fag!" He'd just be mildly annoying if he weren't doing the world the incredible disservice of single-handedly keeping Unique Leader in business.

9. The Feminazi- Apparently this little lady missed the memo the Dark Lord sent out concerning the acceptability of boorish masculinity in HIS music department, because she's running around like a headless chicken decrying everything she deems "offensive" or "insensitive" (which pretty much covers any comment about women likely to appear on a metal board). Would someone please give her directions to the kitchen?

8. The Redneck From Hell- You better fucking like Metallica and Pantera, because his universe begins with Kill 'Em All and ends with Reinventing the Steel. Anyone who disagrees is a "pinko commie faggot."

7. The Century Media Rep- It seems that the rest of us have been living under the illusion that there are hundreds of thousands of metal bands to explore, fortunately, this dude is here to protect us from our delusions. Actually, there are only five: Iced Earth, Arch Enemy, Blind Guardian, Cryptopsy and Nevermore.

6. The Gothenburg Chamber of Commerce Rep- He's the prophet of "melodic death metal" and he's here to save you from good music. Take care, if you point out that most of what he's pushing is watered down pap, he'll trot out highly innovative pejoratives like "elitist" and "well aren't you tr00."

5. The Ultimate Black Metal Warrior- Sure he's got great taste and his heart is in the right place, but let's face it, he's a fucking asshole. I mean c'mon, "geigh" is not sufficient to be a response to any topic.

4. Pisstake Plato- He's insightful, he's eloquent, and he'll tear you a new asshole (at great length) at the drop of a hat. Love him or hate him, you've got to respect him.

3. The Dream Theater Fanboy- Sweep arpeggios give him a stiffy, and if you don't stain your shorts over polyrhythms, well then you obviously aren't intelligent enough to "get it." The Opeth Fanboy is an acceptable substitute.

2. The Manowarrior- Straights and smart folks, leave the hall! Here comes the Manowarrior, and he's declared war on heterosexualit…er, I mean, false metal!

1. Mornelithe Falconsbane- Let's face it, I'm as ubiquitous as VISA, you might as well get used to it. Just remember:

1. I'm right.

2. You're wrong.

3. Learn to deal.

Keep the Home Ovens Burning,
Falconsbane

Retro Picks of the Week:

Acheron- Lex Talionis/Satanic Victory
Amorphis- The Karelian Isthmus
Angel Witch- Angel Witch
Sarcofago- I.N.R.I.
Mekong Delta- Dances of Death (And Other Walking Shadows)