THE SIX EASY STEPS TO A LAME COMEBACK!!!

We've seen it a 1,000 times in the past ten years, failing metal bands whom had changed line-ups or softened their sound lurching "back" into action with reunited line-ups and a renewed faith in the genre they so pleasantly left behind. We all know the money, a lack of respect and often time's simple mockery drives a band back into the hands of metal. While some of these attempts at a grand return yield acceptable (if not enjoyable) results (see Rob Halford) the formula has done nothing but destroy the legacy of many a great metal band along the way.

Even worse than this attempt to cash in, is the formula in which many of these former greats attempt to conduct their business. From double live records to long winded speeches in interviews we've seen each band fall into the potholes that further chip away at their integrity and remind us why they bothered to exit the stage in the first place…

So here we are!

SIX EASY STEPS TO A LAME COMEBACK!!!

1. Find the scapegoat, kill the scapegoat and pretend he never existed as soon as the task is completed.

This classic move was made famous by Iron Maiden, Destruction and Judas Priest respectively. Iron Maiden couldn't have been arrested during the years of Blaze Bayley as nobody even bothered to buy the records. Whilst he was a poor performer in the realm of Iron Maiden one might note that the songs they had been writing at the time would not have saved them even if Bruce Dickinson HAD remained (his presence would have only buried his own credibility making a comeback impossible) on the roster to suffer through the lean years.

Long story short, Blaze was out - Bruce was in and the band released a substandard comeback album that shocked the charts only due to Bruce/Adrian Smith's return hype. Had Bruce and Adrian stuck with the band and released the same crap Harris was pawning off to us during the Virtual XI era one would not have noticed any significant improvement with Brave New World at all…the hype of a returning Bruce/Adrian let us know that this would be the record to fix all of Harris's fumbles…only to find that Harris composed 90% of the record anyway and that the ONLY difference was that Bruce was singing…ho hum…the drama sells!

The return of Schmier to Destruction heralded similar results. The promise of his "influence" returning yielded a decent, yet unspectacular record that has left the band in the history books as an act that just can't keep up anymore…with a legacy such as Destruction has…good is not enough!

2. Stalling is your friend!

Judas Priest released the joke record "Demolition" to a tremendous response in 1997 due to the fact that the band managed to delay the release for an upwards of five years. With little press and tiny glimpses of activity the band drew their friends into a frenzy. When these often stalled records are released the level of quality does not matter - the sharks gobble it up and when they find out the bait is poison it's far too late! 100,000 records have been moved on a hope starved public.

Metallica has also used this technique to promote their current material as they take upwards of five years to write new a record and the promotional campaigns for the "return of the giants" never ceases to amaze me. I remember when Load was released the bands promotional skills took "comeback" to a height that even a returning Kiss could be jealous of. One might even have imagined that Jesus himself was returning…and alas…the record was "good" at best and the let down fans returned the record in droves. Still, the damage had been done and Metallica did about 6,000,000 in sales…the slow build never fails to remind people that YOU TOO can make even the most ardent hardcore curious enough to waste his money!

3. Make the media overindulge in the massive return! (Pretend also, that you had been away for many years twiddling!)

Let's see…what do they say? "This is our best album ever!" "We're not in it for the money; we need to improve our art!" "We have unfinished business!" "We're still friends!" Which bands said this? Hmmm… Eh… ALL OF THEM!!! It's hard to tell when the rock-speak begins and the truth ends. The bands all tell us how each and every move they make is for the right reasons. This kind of publicity is both excruciatingly lame and EXTREMELY effective.

With all of our fears laid to rest, the promise of "going back to our roots" in place we hope for the best and then rush to the stores to buy these wonderful "new" CD's. Why do we fall for it every time? Hope? Desperation? The want of one last head-bang from those old nostalgic favorites? Who the hell knows…all I know is that I keep buying them and adding them to the forgotten bin in a week - hoping that next time the same old lies will ring true…

4. The comeback album!

Of all the bands to release "comeback" albums it seems as if very few actually mean anything in the grand scheme of a bands career. Will Iron Maiden be remembered for "Brave New World"? Will Destruction or Sodom be remembered for "M-16" or "All Hell Breaks Loose"? No, these records will remain as catalog fillers for the hardcore fans to gush over - but for most bands - a comeback means your time is done and at best you can rehash your original formula in a manner that will satiate your aging fan base long enough to ignore the cliché's.

A band has a finite time of value, where the inspiration is running hot and the impact is still fresh. As the old saying goes…"one can never truly come home". In a long list of records that simply did not deliver the timeless edge a band needed to procure to give metal a true sense of bite:

Iron Maiden - Brave New World
Judas Priest - Jugulator
Destruction - All Hell Breaks Loose
Sodom - M-16
Mayhem - G.D.O.W.
Metallica - Load
Megadeth - The World Needs a Hero
…etc…etc…etc…

5. The LIVE album!

I don't even want to touch this but here goes…THE LIVE ALBUM OF DOOM!!! When bands newest records/songs/schemes fail he can always return to the lost art of the LIVE RECORD. One can relive their hit songs without being accused of releasing a "hits" package. Do I really need to elaborate on WHY this is a bad thing? From Queensryche to Danzig the glut of crappy concert albums filling the bins is overwhelming. When the new songs fail the old songs with crowd noise will always do…so little work is put into these albums I feel more cheated by them than I do the crappy new songs.

Still, these records are doing fairly well as people assume that playing the old songs might just re-inspire them…only to find it's doing the exact opposite. These albums aren't BAD…they just offer nothing truly amazing for the heads to sink into and simply cheapens the mood…ESPECIALLY after one comeback album that sells dismally…it's a cheap cash grab and should NOT be supported for the most part.

Please Cite:
Danzig - Live on the Black Hand Side
Judas Priest - Live Meltdown
Black Sabbath - Reunion
Kreator - Live Kreation
Queensryche - Live Evolution
Ozzy - Live at the Budokan
Iron Maiden - Rock in Rio
Paul Di'Anno - The Beast
…etc…etc…etc…

6. Does metal need new blood or tired old men? No…but they THINK so!!!

Why do these old farts succeed again and again? Because the new crop is piss poor. That is why. With forgettable bands throwing CD's of a rehashed style left and right we are left with only the old men to remind of us "what metal really is". While they do nothing of TRUE value we desperately turn to them for some sort of meaning in our highly fractured scene. These old codgers know this, and attempt to rely on their former importance to regain a sense of self and a sense of importance to what they helped create.

While these old men limp along, and convince us to limp with them we are too afraid to support younger acts that push the limits of a new era? Is the "retro" the only thing we have left? According to these bands, it's obvious that they think so. With even younger bands like Slayer falling into self parody one can only wonder if Slayers fans will be ever able to fully tear away and declare a new set of kings. Slayer themselves are convinced that they hold the true hand of metal and will defend it to the grave while they actually devour its spirit.

Self delusion is also one of the greatest keys to "coming back", isn't it? It keeps the guilt from becoming too unbearable to carry…

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The aging and fall of the legends is more of a threat than anyone knows…

Is Falconsbane right? Is Ragnarok upon us? (Webmaster Note: Article Here) It seems as if they Gods are battling until a slow and pathetic death takes them and ruins the memories we might hold dear…with no consideration at all of the genre their comebacks obscure…

Maybe you should buy a new bands record and keep the younger bands fed before it's far too late…